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It’s normal to feel sensitive about how an ostomy changes your body. Meaningful and fulfilling intimate encounters can still be part of your and your partner’s lives. Communication and trust are at the heart of the healing process. It’s comforting to know that sexual relations will not hurt your stoma — or you. Share your feelings with your partner, and respond to his or her concerns as well. With time and a positive attitude, you can enjoy a mutually satisfying sexual relationship.
- Your partner should love you for who you are, stoma or not
- Despite any physical changes you might be going through, you are still who you’ve always been.
- Stay positive. Remember that your surgery was a treatment for an illness that may have drastically affected your quality of life.
- It’s quite possible that your sex life may improve.
- “Feeling sexy” is something that starts in your brain. Get comfortable and confident with your stoma by finding which wraps and pouches feel best for you.
- When you feel comfortable with your partner, be open and honest about your stoma and any anxieties you may have.
Tips to enhance intimacy
Trust is key to true intimacy. The more you share about your stoma, how you feel, and what you need, the stronger the bond between you and your partner.
The old adage is true: The way you see yourself influences the way others see you. Take time after surgery to acknowledge the changes your body has been through, check in with your emotions about how you feel post-surgery, and share your feelings with your partner. You’ll find that acceptance of your body after surgery comes with time.
A stoma does not have nerve endings; therefore, it does not transmit pain or other sensations, but it can bleed slightly if irritated or rubbed. Trying different positions can help you avoid any issues.
For intimate moments, special pouches are available that are designed to be smaller and less bulky.
If your stoma makes you uneasy during intimate moments, cover your pouch with specially designed underwear, lingerie or pouch covers.
For Women
If you use the pill, you may need to change your birth control—particularly if you’ve had an ileostomy. Oral contraceptives are often not absorbed with a shorter small intestine. Talk to your doctor or stoma nurse about the best form of birth control for you.
After surgery, many women experience vaginal dryness. Try a lubricant, or ask your doctor about other options to treat vaginal dryness.
For Men
Some men may experience erectile dysfunction symptoms (i.e., achieving / sustaining an erection or inability to ejaculate) the first time they are intimate following surgery. Don’t worry or panic! This can often occur—it may be related to the surgery itself or to worries / concerns over being intimate post-surgery. If you experience continued problems maintaining an erection, call your healthcare provider. Most likely, there is a solution.
Intimacy with a Stoma: Q&As
In most cases, yes. With the right precautions and confidence, it's possible to enjoy an active sex life after the surgery. Most sexual problems after stoma surgeries are due to anxiety, not any sort of physical issue. As long as you make yourself and your partner comfortable, you should be good to go.1
Modern pouches are made of odour-free materials, and there are deodorisers that help reduce stoma-related odours. Keep your body and pouch clean, and you shouldn’t have a problem.
Some stoma surgeries will cause men to stop producing sperm. A stoma should not prevent women from becoming pregnant, but nutritional support is advisable. It’s important to talk to your doctor to know what to expect based on your personal situation.1
Make sure you are comfortable with your stoma, and then tell your partner. Show your partner that your stoma doesn’t change who you are. However, it’s important to talk about your stoma before engaging in sexual activity.
Tips from our me+ community
Maggie Tretton talks about the physical changes after stoma surgery and the impact on intimacy.
Maggie Tretton, @maggietretton
Maggie received her stoma at the age of 16. Originally, she had gone in for a resection of her terminal ileum and colon due to Crohn's disease. A few days after this surgery, she started having severe pain and it was discovered that her newly-connected intestines had fallen apart, leaving her with peritonitis. She was brought into emergency surgery and woke up with an ileostomy. She is now one of the biggest stoma content creators in the world as is known on YouTube as Let's Talk IBD. Through her online presence, she has engaged with tens of thousands of ostomates globally, offering advice on leading a healthy life with a stoma.
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Read more1. United Ostomy Associations of America, Inc. Intimacy after ostomy surgery guide. http://www.landspitali.is/library/Sameiginlegar-skrar/Gagnasafn/Fraedsla/Kynlif-og-veikindi/Ostomy_and_sexuality_enska.pdf. Accessed January 3, 2024